The Phantom Menace
by Erics angle 4ever
Summary: The random adventures of Erik and Nadir in the Opera house. First fic! PLZ R&R NO FLAMES!
1. Chapter 1

(so just what the description says. Not set in any one universe. The Nadir is the one from the 1925 version and the Erik is the one from the 2004 movie)

The Phantom of the Opera was very excited

Today was the day he hooked up his new computer. It had been very boring sitting down in his lair all day and thinking of Christine, so he thought he should get something to entertain himself. Nadir, the Persian, suggested he get a computer. After forcing money out of the managers, he stole a Hansom Cab and went to the nearest electronics store. The computer he purchased was a 2000 Windows XP home edition. As Nadir went to pay, Erik was too overcome with excitement about his new purchase. The Phantom opened the box and before anyone could say anything, the computer was out of the box. Nadir and the manager came back and the manager explained to the technology deprived Phantom how he needed to assemble it at home. Erik didn't understand why but he didn't argue. Partly because he couldn't wait to try it out. The computer wouldn't fit in the cab with both him and Nadir, so Erik got several bungee cords and strapped it to the top of the cab.

This turned out to be a very costly mistake.

As they were going through the streets of Paris, the cab hit a pothole and the bungee cords came loose. Everything went in a different direction. The tower went through a window and landed on an unsuspecting person. The monitor smashed into a fruit stand, and the speakers hit a passerby in the head. It took them a while to clean everything up. Mostly because some stuff had broken. After collecting the pieces of the computer, they tried to stuff it into the cab.

Once back at the Opera house, Erik realized they had another problem: there was no outlet in the lair.

"What are we going to do?" the Persian asked fretting.

"Never fear Nadir, I have a plan." Erik said pointing to the ceiling.

Erik 'borrowed' a drill and some shovels from a local hardware store and began drilling through the basements. The hole was just big enough to fit a cable through. They were getting close to the first cellar when they heard a scream. Erik pulled the drill back and found it covered with blood. Apparently he had drilled through someone's foot.

_My bad._ He thought as he finished drilling. After hooking everything up, Erik and Nadir went back downstairs and turned the computer on. It took forever. Nadir's constant whining about wanting to see it work didn't help the Phantom's temper much. Finally after ten minuets, it fully started.

"Nadir, it's finally on!" Erik said as Nadir did a happy dance.

"Yippie!" Nair yelled. In his excitement he began jumping up and down like a little school girl. However, he wasn't paying attention to where he was jumping and he accentually landed on the power cable, unplugging it.

The screen went blank.

Erik just sat there with a blank expression. His left eye twitched. He was then over come by intense anger. Nadir noticed and decided to comment.

"Erik, what is wrong? You are looking redder than a tomato." He chuckled but that stopped when he saw Erik's face.

The Phantom of the Opera held his hands up so it looked like he would strangle the Persian. "NNNNNNAADDDDIIIIRRRRR!" he yelled at his friend. With that, Nadir ran to his boat and rowed away as fast as he could.

The Persian never jumped for joy around Erik again.


	2. Chapter 2

(2nd Chappie. Forgot to add this in the first chapter: I don't own the phantom! If I did though, I'd keep him all to myself! Mwahaha! evil grin BTW this is set a few days after the first chapter)

Erik was down in his lair scheming evil schemes. Just then Nadir came rowing up in his row boat.

"Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream!" He sang, "Merrily, mar- oh hello Erik!" The Persian said enthusiastically.

"Hi, Nadir." Erik replied with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

"How are you to be doing?" he asked, stepping out of his boat, walking over to the phantom.

"Okay I guess. Christine dumped me." He sighed.

Nadir looked confused. "Where did she dump you?"

Erik looked up annoyed. "It's a figure of speech Nadir, Christine and I aren't going out anymore."

The Persian scratched his head in thought. "I thought she was afraid of you."

"I wouldn't say afraid, just cautious. It doesn't matter. I will have Christine whether she likes it or not!" He said raising a fist in the air. The phantom of the opera thought for a few moments and decided chasing after Christine wasn't the best thing to do right now, what with him still recovering from the computer incident. Just then, Eric had an idea. "Say Nadir, would you like to play chess?"

"I don't know how to play."

"It's easy; I'll show you." He needed _something_ to get his mind off Christine right now.

Actually teaching Nadir to play chess wasn't so easy. "So what is dis horsy thing again?" Nadir asked holding up a knight.

"It's a _knight_." Erik answered, annoyed at the Persian's lack of knowledge.

"Can I move here?" Nadir questioned, moving to a place he knew he wasn't allowed.

"No…"

"King me!" Nadir yelled in triumph as he placed a knight at the opposite end of the board and threw his hands up in victory.

"There is no 'king me' in chess, Nadir!" Erik yelled, his face turning red.

"Hey, look at me, I'm an alien!" the Persian said putting two pieces up to his ears and moving them back and forth. As he did that Erik yelled and tossed the chess table into the lake where it was promptly eaten by gators.

After sending the annoying Persian away for the night Erik thought of having some fun and grabbed his digital camera. Moving quietly, he found Raoul's room. Upon entering, he almost passed out form the horrible smell of cherry lip gloss and perfume. Trying not to gag, he decided to look around Roul's room a little; he wasn't shocked to find out that all the walls were covered with pink wall paper. Going over to the shelves, he found all sorts of little action figures of 'my little pony' and 'Dora the explorer' as well as doll houses and 'tellitubby' plush toys. Erik felt like he was about to puke. Seeing nothing else, he grabbed an open cardboard box and blew chunks into it. Deciding to stop screwing around, he made his way over to Raoul.

As it turned out the fop slept with a face mask and curlers in his hair. Knowing this would make great blackmail material Erik proceeded to photograph the fop without waking him up. Once he was done he left and retreated down to his lair and posted them on the internet (he'd gotten a laptop and a wireless hook up.). All the while laughing evilly at the thought of Raoul being publicly humiliated the next day, of course he saved the worst ones for blackmail later on.

(next one coming soon! PLZ R&R! I know I bash Raoul, but I love him, he's cool!)


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: really sorry this took so long. I've been really busy with RL stuff. Enjoy this extra long chapter! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and faved! Keep reading!)

Later the next day, after an opera had been preformed, Christine and Raoul were sitting around looking bored. Suddenly Christine got an idea, which was rare for her.

"Hey Raoul, want to race to the top of the opera house?" She asked excitedly, getting up and pulling a confused Raoul to his feet. As they started running, goldey locks piped up:

"Christine, this is boring, can't we sing or something?"

"Dur, okay lets do it."

So they started singing 'why have you brought me here?' When they got to the spiral staircase which led up to the roof, Christine got ahead; when she reached the door at the top she ran smack dab into it and bounced off. Due to the laws of physics, she slammed into Raoul and they both went tumbling down the staircase. When they landed, Raoul was on top of Christine and it looked like they were making out. As luck would have it, some random old guy walked passed them and, thinking they were about to have sex, quickly pulled a 360 back out the door. Raoul got up and brushed himself off and helped his not-so-smart girlfriend to her feet. "It's 'pull,' Christine," was all he had to say.

Christine was confused but quickly forgot about the incident. Raoul and Christine headed back to her room to hang out for the rest of the day.

In her room they discussed fashion, what operas were going to be preformed and most of all: Erik. Christine was worried about Erik, after all, a life in the cellars wasn't good for a person, especially their complexion. Raoul agreed fully. It was late at night and Raoul had to go soon, he didn't want to stay up past his bedtime. As he made his way to the door, it violently swung open, having been kicked by two legs. The door hit Raoul square in the face, knocking him back. He screamed and grabbed his nose in pain.

Christine looked up to see the legs owners was none other then Erik and Nadir. Their arms were across each other's shoulders and in their free hands they held DVD's.

"Movie night!" they both said triumphantly in unison, walking in.

"My nose, my pretty little nose. I…I think you broke it." Raoul complained. Erik walked over to the ailing man and, without any warning, grabbed his nose and squeezed hard. This caused Raoul to yell in pain before the Phantom let go.

"You're fine." Erik said flatly.

"So, Christine, want to watch movies with me and Erik?" Nadir asked, raising an eyebrow. Christine looked confused.

"Well, I don't know, I should probably take Raoul to a doctor. What movies do you have?"

"We've got all the old classics: Frankenstein, The Wolf-man, and best of all, Dracula!" he said striking a dramatic pose.

"Count us in!" She said jumping up and down.

"But what about me?" Raoul whined. Everyone ignored him.

Down in Erik's lair, a huge couch and big screen TV had been set up. Erik put in the first DVD: Dracula.

As it turns out the movie was a lot scarier then they'd thought. After the first ten minuets Raoul wanted to leave, but Nadir told him to be quiet. Thirty minuets in almost everyone was hiding behind pillows because of fear. Even Erik, the master of horror, found himself screaming like a schoolgirl at times. All in all, it was the most terrifying movie they'd ever seen.

Once it was all done, they all couldn't help but stare blankly at the screen, to terrified to move. Eventually, Christine got up and shut off the DVD player.

"Let's go to bed. I think that's enough movies for tonight" She said.

"I agree." Raoul said, though he sounded funny since his nose was broken.

"Good night everyone." Erik said, going to his room.

Suddenly, Raoul had a flash of inspiration: "Hey, guys, ever notice how Erik seems to act like a vampire?"

"What do you mean?" Christine asked, intrigued.

"I mean, look at his cape, the way he walks, he lives in a celler! What more proof do you need?"

Christine sighed and waved her hand. "Oh come on Raoul, it's not like he sleeps in a coffin or anything." Then she went over to Erik's room and lo and behold, he was sleeping in a coffin. This freaked Christine out and she ran back to the others. "Okay guys, he sleeps in a coffin."

Nadir piped up. "Oh noes! My best buddy can't be a vampire! We should test him just to make sure." He took out a notepad and a pencil.

Raoul and Christine agreed. "In the movie, vampires hate garlic, silver, and holy water, so we should try each of those things out on Erik, if he gets hurt, he's a vampire." Christine said. Nadir wrote down their plan of action. They all left and went up to her room to make a plan. Tomorrow, they would see if he was one of the undead.

The next day

Raoul had snuck into Erik's lair under the premise of borrowing some suger. He had a small pouch full of powdered garlic that he intended to use on the Phantom. As he wandered aimlessly around the lair, he noticed many creepy things, like the coffin bed, weird looking statues, and other things that made him queasy. Suddenly he heard someone coming, it was Erik. He ran out to greet him.

"Hi Erik." He said gleefully. The Phantom looked confused, raising an eyebrow.

"Raoul? What on earth are you doing here?" he asked, raising his voice a bit. To think, he'd come in without permission.

Now Raoul panicked, fumbling with the pouch of garlic. He dumped some of it in his hand and blew it right into Erik's face. The phantom sneezed quite loudly several times, and Raoul thought he'd accidentally killed him.

"Raoul what is the meaning of this?!" the phantom screamed, his eyes and face red. The fop took this as a sign the garlic hurt him. That helped prove Erik was a vampire. With that, he ran to a nearby boat and rowed as fast as he could away from the angry phantom.

Raoul reported what he'd learned. "Oh my, it's as I feared, now he needs to pass the silver test." Christine said. She went down to Erik's lair with a silver ring.

"Erik," she began, sounding seductive. "I love you so very much." She placed her hands on his shoulders, leaning into him. Erik thought something smelt fishy. "Take this ring and be my husband." She said, offering him the ring.

"Hold on a moment, aren't I the one who's supposed to be saying this?" he asked, confused.

"Just take the ring!" Erik put the ring on his bare hand, and after several minuets it stared to itch. "I'm sorry Chistine, I think I've got a silver allergy." Said person slowly backed away in horror, it was just like the movie. Erik really was a vampire. The Phantom slowly made his way towards her.

"Christine, what's going on?" he asked, genuinely confused, but she ran screaming out of the lair.

Now it was Nadir's turn to test the phantom. He got a big bucket of holy water from the local church and went down to the lair. "He Erik old buddy, old pal, I've got a question for you." He said, trying to sound innocent.

The phantom looked up, suspicious. "What do you want Nadir? I've had a rough day, everyone is acting really strange."

"Hold this water for me." He said, suddenly getting nervous.

"What?" he asked, but before he could inquire further, the Persian threw the bucket of water on the phantom, soaking him from head to toe. He spit some water out of his mouth and shook himself off.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" he yelled so loudly it woke the dead.

Nadir looked up to see Erik wasn't melting. "Erik you're alive!" he said with great joy.

"Of course I'm alive you idiot. What's going on?"

Nadir was jumping for joy. "This is great! It means the other tests were wrong!"

"What tests?" he asked, sounding angry.

"We thought you were a vampire, so we had to test you just to make sure."

Erik couldn't believe what he was hearing. They thought he was a vampire. Later on that night, he called a meeting to address the issue.

"Alright everyone, as you may know, I'm not a vampire. Vampires do not exist. Say it." He said forcefully.

"Vampires do not exist." Raoul, Christine, and Nadir repeated, looking remorseful.

"Good." Erik crossed his arms and accepted their apology. And they all lived happily ever after, until their next adventure.

(next chappie coming in a bit!)


	4. Chapter 4

lol ok sooo sorry for the long wait but here's the first part of the next chappie, I know i said I wouldn't work on it anymore but I couldn't resist finishing it up! here's part 1

* * *

Chapter 4

She walked down the streets of Paris, turning heads everywhere she went. Dressed in a black tank top and short shorts, with boobs the size of beach balls and a butt to match, Gabrealla Midnight Destiny Sparrow Diyeh walked confidently to the Paris opera house. Every guy that saw her wanted her, but she didn't care about any of them, there was only one person she wanted. She was there for one reason and one reason only: to see the Phantom of the Opera

Going into the extravagant main lobby she walked right up to the managers, her waist length curly brown hair blew in the wind as she approached. "Hi there!" she said in a high pitched voice "I want to be the prima-dona and prima-ballerina." She said with confidence. Both Andrey and Fermon looked at each other slowly then back to her with confused looks on their faces before bursting out into a fit of laughter.

"Oh child, that won't happen I'm afraid, you need years of schooling, plus both those positions are already filled" Fermon said with a chuckle. Destiny looked annoyed and huffed, clearing her throat she began to sing 'Think of Me Fondly' As she sang more people showed up and put flowers at her feet, they clapped and cheered for her and when it was over both men were in shock. They had never heard anything more beautiful in their entire lives.

"My dear, you shall be our new prima-dona!" Fermon exclaimed in excitement. Just at that moment Carlotta was walking by "You miss are fired!" with that he shoved Carlotta to the door without another word, ignoring her screams of protest.

"And you shall also be prima-ballerina" Aundrey added, ordering someone to draft a letter of resignation to Christine. Destiny smiled, and walked to her new dressing room, admiring it. Going over to the mirror she easily found the secret passageway leading to Erik's lair. Going in she marvelled at it, and as she went deeper and deeper she could feel her excitement growing as she got closer to meeting her lover.

* * *

Meanwhile in the Phantom's lair, Erik and his best friend, Nadir the Persian were relaxing with a friendly game of pong on Erik's computer. So far Nadir had proved he was quite good and was kicking his friend's butt.

"Hah I win again!" he exclaimed triumphantly

The phantom looked annoyed and rolled his eyes but looked back when he heard someone coming in a boat. Curious, both men went to investigate and there they saw her! She was beautiful and singing a song of love as she rowed up to the lair. Stepping off the boat she made a b-line for Eric and hugged him.

"Oh Erik my love! I knew one day we'd be together!" she said. Erik looked confused

"Um...I don't know you, go away" he said flatly

She looked sad "But we're meant to be together!" she whined. Nadir had had enough of her and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Now miss I shall give you one warning, leave now or I will force you to go!" she spun around and kicked him in the gut, sending him flying through the air and into the water. Erik was amazed and in shock but he didn't have time to say anything as she kissed him deeply. Breaking the kiss he smiled and looked into her eyes. Her eyes were glowing green, hypnotizing Erik

"You love me." She commanded.

"I love you" he repeated, sounding like a zombie, as Nadir got out of the water, soaking wet and spitting out water

"Erik, don't just stand there! Get her out!" he yelled but the Phantom didn't do anything, he just sat there with her with a stupid look on his face, his mouth open and drooling some. Finally she went back up to her room since there was a big opera performance tomorrow and she was needed on set, not that she needed to practise but so that others could learn their part with her. After she left Erik was blushing

"I think I'm in love Nadir" the Persian facepalmed

"Oh by Allah"

* * *

The next day Gabriella preformed beautifully, her performance got her standing ovation and flowers, numerous gifts from the opera-goers and lots of money. The Persian couldn't believe it; Erik was head over heels for her throughout the entire show. She met Erik in the lobby and kissed him

"Oh Erik my love, did you see that?" she asked

"Yes I did pumpkin, it was stupendous!" he said. Nadir couldn't take it anymore

"Hey you...you hussy get away from my friend!" he yelled going up to them. She smirked and pulled out some papers, giving them to the manager

"Hmmm well according to this you're an illegal immigrant." She said, looking at the manager, her eyes glowing. Fermon nodded

"Yes it would seem so. Guards, take this man away!" with that two cops grabbed the Persian and pulled him away, the man kicking and screaming the entire time

"No don't do this! Erik, stay away from her! She's dangerous!" but he was thrown out the door and soon on a boat back to Persia.

She smirked and pulled Erik close "Let's go back to your room for a celebration" she said with a kiss and pulled him away.

* * *

Meanwhile out on the street both Christine and Carlotta were now suddenly penniless and sat at the street corner begging for change. Their once beautiful dresses were dirty and torn and their hair was a mess. They sat at the corner everyday living out of a cardboard box trying to get enough money for food. They hated the woman who stole their lives and were determined to get back at her. They noticed the Persian being lead on a boat and were able to sneak aboard and see where their friend was going. Of course Raoul was no help since he had suddenly turned into an obnoxious drunk and spent his vast fortune on booze.

* * *

Meanwhile the Mary-sue had turned Erik into a sex god. He knew every position possible and had amazing stamina. Currently they were doing doggie style, which was her favourite

"Ohhh Erik! I'm creaming!" she moaned as her sandwich closed around his throbbing sausage.

"Huuuurrrrr!" Erik moaned as he squirted his mayo deep into her spasming meat cannel as they both collapse in the afterglow, having had constant sex for the past several hours.

"Oooh Erik I love you!"

"I love you to" he said and kissed her. They went on like that for the entire night.

* * *

Over the next several weeks the Opera house enjoyed great success due to Destiny's singing. She was always the star of the show and everyone loved her. Though back in Persia, things were different. Nadir had gotten his job back with the Persian police force and was out walking the beat when he heard two women scream. He recognized them and ran to them, finding them to be his friends Carlotta and Christine.

They were in a narrow ally, surrounded by at least 10 thugs, leaping into action, the Persian easily kicked everyone's butt effortlessly like something out of the Matrix or Assassins Creed. He jumped off walls, dodges knives, did parkour stuff and the like. Casually dusting himself off as the defeated thugs moaned beneath him he went up to Christine

"What are you doing here?" he asked

"Well we were looking for you, we need you to come back with us! The girl who stole Erik has to be stopped!"

Nadir sighed and rubbed his head "I don't know if I can help"

She grabbed his arm lightly "You can use 'that' technique"

His eyes went wide and he sighed "But if I use 'that' technique I could destroy all of Paris!" he said fretting

"It's our only chance!" she begged, finally the Persian accepted it and the three of them were soon on a boat back to Paris.


End file.
